Saving the world
I have a problem. I think I can save the world. Ok maybe not. But I believe I can save any project I work on. Some may think its a good thing. Its about the determination and drive. Something people think that I am reaching for the impossible and I need to be more realistic. Maybe I thrive under pressure. Maybe I'm just lazy and always procrastinate until the last minute and churn out the work under pressure. I take things personally when a project doesn't go well. I remember there were times where I would lose sleep and toss and turn all night thinking about things that could have gone different on a project. I have a million and one "what ifs" running through my head.
What if I had approached the project differently?
What if I had raised this issue earlier?
What if I had said no to doing this type of work?
What if I started doing overtime earlier?
What if?
I could keep going on for hours. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but I do. I still plough on ahead and try to finish the work on schedule, but if there is downtime, its "what if" time. I know when I need to push back on a project. I know when to escalate an issue. I know how to demand what I want. I know its not my fault that projects don't go according to plan. Its a known issue that alot of projects fail. But I still hold onto the belief that if I work hard enough, I can bring a project back on track.
I remember one project I had worked on where my hours were horrendous. My average day was 10-12hours with no lunch break. Everyone would have left and I would be the only one still in the office working to the hum of the vacum cleaner. Even they would sometimes go home before I do. We met the daily quota of the work that had to be done. On the reports, it looked great! We were meeting our deadlines and the project was progressing nicely. This was until someone pointed out to me that the only reason the project is meeting their deadlines, was all the extra hours I was putting in. But thats fine right? We were behind schedule cos the work we got was absolutely crap and therefore slowing us down. Hence I worked extra hours to try and catch up. Well, not really that someone pointed out. A project estimate is based on an 8hr working day. The goals we set are based on a estimate of how much we can do in 8 hours. The fact that I had to work 10-12hours to meet that deadline meant that there was something wrong with the project and we should reassess the plan and go back to the client. I was meeting the targets daily, but I was racking up the hours and therefore charging them extra. I guess back in my old job, that mattered. Thats why in the 3 years I was there, I hardly did any overtime. If I did overtime, we charge the client.
None of that matters anymore. I'm a permanent employee here, and all the work is internal. If I work extra hours, it costs them nothing. I don't have to worry about racking up a bill and going overbudget. Maybe thats why I am staying back more and doing the extra hours. Its my way to save the project and deliver on time. The whole "if you have to work extra hours to make the deadline, theres something wrong with the project" doesn't make a difference. We all knew that its behind. If my work isn't finished, the project doesn't go in. I know its not my fault. They were a week behind in delivering so I was a week behind in starting. Yet I still feel that if the project gets delayed, its MY FAULT.
I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. At the end of the day the work gets done, and all of my projects have finished on time. But I need to prepare myself for the day that it won't. I need to prepare myself for the day that I have to tell my manager that the work wasn't finished on time and the project is going to be delayed. I hope that when that day comes, it won't be because I have slacked off or stuffed up. I hope that it was something out of my control. But does it really matter in the end? I'll still feel like I've failed, regardless if it was my fault or not. Maybe I just need to learn that I can't save the world all the time.
What if I had approached the project differently?
What if I had raised this issue earlier?
What if I had said no to doing this type of work?
What if I started doing overtime earlier?
What if?
I could keep going on for hours. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, but I do. I still plough on ahead and try to finish the work on schedule, but if there is downtime, its "what if" time. I know when I need to push back on a project. I know when to escalate an issue. I know how to demand what I want. I know its not my fault that projects don't go according to plan. Its a known issue that alot of projects fail. But I still hold onto the belief that if I work hard enough, I can bring a project back on track.
I remember one project I had worked on where my hours were horrendous. My average day was 10-12hours with no lunch break. Everyone would have left and I would be the only one still in the office working to the hum of the vacum cleaner. Even they would sometimes go home before I do. We met the daily quota of the work that had to be done. On the reports, it looked great! We were meeting our deadlines and the project was progressing nicely. This was until someone pointed out to me that the only reason the project is meeting their deadlines, was all the extra hours I was putting in. But thats fine right? We were behind schedule cos the work we got was absolutely crap and therefore slowing us down. Hence I worked extra hours to try and catch up. Well, not really that someone pointed out. A project estimate is based on an 8hr working day. The goals we set are based on a estimate of how much we can do in 8 hours. The fact that I had to work 10-12hours to meet that deadline meant that there was something wrong with the project and we should reassess the plan and go back to the client. I was meeting the targets daily, but I was racking up the hours and therefore charging them extra. I guess back in my old job, that mattered. Thats why in the 3 years I was there, I hardly did any overtime. If I did overtime, we charge the client.
None of that matters anymore. I'm a permanent employee here, and all the work is internal. If I work extra hours, it costs them nothing. I don't have to worry about racking up a bill and going overbudget. Maybe thats why I am staying back more and doing the extra hours. Its my way to save the project and deliver on time. The whole "if you have to work extra hours to make the deadline, theres something wrong with the project" doesn't make a difference. We all knew that its behind. If my work isn't finished, the project doesn't go in. I know its not my fault. They were a week behind in delivering so I was a week behind in starting. Yet I still feel that if the project gets delayed, its MY FAULT.
I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I do. At the end of the day the work gets done, and all of my projects have finished on time. But I need to prepare myself for the day that it won't. I need to prepare myself for the day that I have to tell my manager that the work wasn't finished on time and the project is going to be delayed. I hope that when that day comes, it won't be because I have slacked off or stuffed up. I hope that it was something out of my control. But does it really matter in the end? I'll still feel like I've failed, regardless if it was my fault or not. Maybe I just need to learn that I can't save the world all the time.
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