The first attempt

With my niece visiting in less than a month, I went to the shops on Friday and bought a whole bunch of Gluten Free plain flour, self raising flour, zantham gum (Gluten free gluten) etc with the aim of starting to make some Gluten free stuff. First mission was to make some gluten free white bread. Something nice and soft and semi fluffy so if all the kids are having hot dogs, she can have something similar. Now EVERYONE knows I don't follow recipes......and I guess I knew better and should've atleast FOUND a recipe that I can choose not to follow. I did have a quick look through the cookbooks and their recipes are along the lines of a mixture of potato starch, corn starch, rice flour etc etc. Well, I went "Screw that! I'm going to use the premixed ones!"

Now I used to make bread by hand at home. And as far as I was aware, it was just strong plain flour. So I threw the Self raising flour back into the pantry, grabbed the gluten free plain flour, the box of yeast and the pack of Xantham gum. From memory, it was 500g flour to 1 pack of yeast. So I threw that onto the table. And the Xantham gum? Well...it says 20g per 100g of flour. In my case, that meant almost the entire packet! Couldn't be. I chucked half a pack in. I mean, most recipes said its OPTIONAL anyway. So any amount I put in would be good right?

So I started adding water and mixing everything together. I loved making bread. Kneeding the dough by hand, feeling the wet sloppy mixture turn into a soft elastic dough that would eventuall prove and double in size to make a nice crusty bread. Well, as I was kneeding my experimental Gluten free bread, the mixture started to come together. And instead of the nice soft and elastic dough I usually get, it got more and more dense. 10minutes of kneeding and I had something that resembled play-doh.

"Well, it does use alot of starch and rice flour, maybe its SUPPOSED to be this dense."

I lift up the lump of dough and drop it back onto the table

*THWACK* o_O

"Maybe if I prove it long enough, it'll expand and double in size and I'll get my soft fluffy dough that I'm used to!"

So I covered the dough up, and left it in a nice warm and moist corner of the kitchen.

I come back an hour later and the dough hasn't moved on bit. I press it gently and it leaves a huge dent that doesn't spring back.

"Hmmmmmm..... *light bulb turns on* What if I add more yeast?!"

I quickly grab another pack of yeast, mixed it with a bit of warm water to turn it into a paste and slowly worked it into the dough.

"OK! I'll let it prove for another hour and it'll definately double in size this time!!!"

Even I didn't believe myself when I said that. Which is probably why I ended up at another supermarket 15mins later holding a packet of premixed bread mixed. You know, just in case. I did my shopping and walked around a bit. I go home and walk into the kitchen about 1.5hrs later and look at my lump of play-doh. My mum walks in at this stage and we both stand around looking at the lump of dough like it was a new life form and we're both trying to figure out what it is. We poke and prod it abit. I questioned my mum whether it'll even rise if I put it into the oven? Would it even be edible? Wouldn't I just be wasting electricity?

My mum reasoned that I've made it already, lets just bake it anyway. But maybe we can try and salvage a bit of it. Maybe we can make dumplings or steamed buns or something. My mum rips a chunk off the log, takes one look at it and smacked the thing back together. "Its not going to work. You might as well just bake it."

Gees...thanks for the vote of confidence. But I mean, it IS the first time that I've made anything Gluten free. Maybe it might turn out! So I throw the lump onto a tray which makes a satisfying metallic "THUD" and wack it into the oven. An hour later, me and my mum are standing at the oven staring at the lump.

Me: "I don't think its expanded at all"

Mum: "Maybe it just needs more time"

Me: "Is it even going to be edible??"

Mum: "Just cook it through and it'll be fine"

Me: "Mum, I think I'll just be wasting electricity. Its been in the oven for an hour and its whiter than my ass..."

Mum: "Maybe you just need to cook it more?"

Me: "Thats it, I'm pulling it out of the oven."

I take the tray out of the oven and put it down. It makes another "THUD". Hmmmmm This isn't looking good.....

My mum is one that never wastes food. It something doesn't turn out right, as long as you're not going to DIE from it, she will eat it. We NEVER waste good food. Even if my defination of "Good" is somewhat different from hers. But, we're optimistic. I rip a small chunk from the mutated log thats sitting on the tray. I put 1/4 of it into my mouth and attempt to take a bite. It was as if there was some strange cosmic thing happening that sucked all the flavour from my mouth taking the taste buds with it. And it was as if the cosmic thing decided to throw up my taste buds back into my mouth. The next 10 seconds had me looking like a cat trying to hock up a fur ball.

"OMG! This is horrible! You can't eat this!!" - I throw the marble size lump onto my table and I swear I saw a chip of glass fly off.

"No no, it might still be edible. Here, let me try this cooked bit...."

I ducked just in time before the lump of cement-like thing my mum threw at my head goes sailing past and breaks a window. Ok I was lying just then, but the way my mum reacted wasn't hugely different in my eyes. 5 seconds later, the mutated alien growth of a Gluten free bread was in the bin. I wanted to take it outside to the big wheelie bin incase the thing came alive and tried to eat us in the middle of the night, but I think we should be safe for now.

Next week, I might give the pre-mixed bread mix a go.....lets hope the worst case scenario is that I'll have an extra sponge to wash the car with, as opposed to more bricks to build a backyard bbq.